The End

Well, it looks like the end of a beautiful, life-changing journey of two years at University of Santa Monica's Worldwide Center for Spiritual Psychology.  I started this blog as part of a co-creation project for school in January and tomorrow I present to the class a video of my experience learning how to achieve a higher level of inner and outer mastery in golf.  When I first started to write here I was uncomfortable and feeling insecure about my ability to write or to write anything interesting.  I used to try to think of what my specific message should be and if the writing was good enough.  (And by the way, I spent a lot of time wondering if I was good enough at anything.)  Now I just sit down and start typing whatever comes to mind.  It feels good not to care about what others think of me and to just be me.  Today I want to share that everything I set out to accomplish in January has come to fruition.  I quit my job to expand into this exploration of self and focus on my personal growth and healing.  It was challenging facing all my demons in the past few months, but I walked through the fear and have come out the other side more authentic, more confident, more joyous, and above all more loving.  There were some times of doubt, insecurity, and fear that I had made a poor choice in quitting my job but looking back now, I see that it was absolutely the best choice for me without a doubt.  In fact, I've reaffirmed my commitment to self and have decided to give myself to the end of the year to be on sabbatical.  Without all the school work, I'm going to start enjoying life to the fullest.  I'm going to start living!  Have I mentioned all the amazing new friends I have from school?  I know I've created lifelong friendships that are heart-centered and authentic.  These friendships are precious to me now and forever.  I couldn't have achieved what I have this year without the support and loving space to work my process.  As my last weekend of school is here and I think about exactly where I'm at in this moment in time, I see endless possibilities for me to create whatever is my heart's desire both externally and internally.  I may start a company next year. I may travel to distant lands.  I'm a blank slate and can manifest new personal qualities like confidence, calmness, and lightheartedness.  I'm not saying never to anything and I'm not limiting my dreams.  I'm ecstatic about my future and I'm loving even more the present.  Now that's something to dance in the streets about!!  

Satisfaction is Finishing What I Start

I am happy to report that this coming weekend is the last weekend of school for me to complete 2 full years of spiritual psychology courses leading up to a 6 day practicum in August and finally graduating with a Masters in Spiritual Psychology.  I can't believe it's all coming to an end.  I have showed up every month for a full weekend Friday night through Sunday night for two years in addition to completing extensive amounts of homework, mostly papers.  I still have a 50 page paper to do over the summer before I'm complete with the homework, but everything is finished that's due this month and there was a lot of writing to be completed.  But it's not just writing, I am pouring myself into this work.  When I entered school two years ago, I committed myself fully to my personal growth and healing and have shown up nothing short of 100% effort.  And the results have been nothing short of phenomenal.  Every minute in class and every second at the computer was worth the transformation that occurred within me.  My life will never be the same and it's because I committed to me.  This whole process has reinforced to me that finishing what I start and accomplishing goals I set for myself is a tremendous positive feedback loop.  It feels incredible to be complete.  Every time I do something like this where I set out on a journey with specific intentions and I get to the end, I feel like I can accomplish anything I set my mind to...and my heart.  What's been so beautiful about this specific journey is that now everything I set out to do will be founded in a heart-centered place that is aligned with a higher purpose.  I know I can make all my dreams come true and life has been waiting patiently for me all this time!

Yikes, it's my ego again!

So, I'm in yoga today doing my best at being present and I kept hearing this voice in my head.  It was telling me that I can't keep going on like this. I need to get a job and make money OR I need to stop spending money entirely.  Well, it looks like the second option is out.  I just kept spinning thoughts of self-doubt in my head over and over again.  Like why did I quit my job?  I'm not going to find another high paying job in the near future with this economy.  I'm foolish for spending my savings. Etc. It went on like this for the whole yoga class.  I kept telling myself to be present but it just felt impossible.  Lately it seems like those negative thoughts are trying to grow roots in my psyche.  I wonder if my ego is trying to assert itself.  I guess if that's the case, all I can do is try to squash it and completely demolish it...at least this is what I was trying to do this morning in class.  OR I can be gentle with myself and create the awareness that I don't have to identify with those thoughts. I can accept them as part of me and then gently remind myself that I can choose positive thoughts just as easily.  I'm probably not going to get rid of my ego in this lifetime and frankly why would I want to?  My ego is here to serve me and help me navigate in this world.  I don't need to suppress it or make it wrong.  But I can continue to foster my connection with God and ask that my actions are in alignment with that of my higher self.  This seems like a more holistic, natural way to create a shift in my thought patterns.  Next time I'm going to start vilifying my ego, I think I'll buy it an ice cream cone instead.

My Cat, My Mentor

This is April, a divine soul having a feline experience.  You can just see it in her composure that she thinks she owns the place and that all of us humans are really her servants.  I'm really amazed by how much time and energy I spend on this animal.  I'm making sure every need is taken care of in any moment.  If she meows, I respond quickly with love or food.  If she rolls over onto her back, my boyfriend and I preen over her.  If she is sleeping peacefully, we talk about how adorable she is.  If she has irregular bathroom habits and we find her specimens outside her litter box, we have severe stress.  My boyfriend is allergic to cats on top of everything so we are hyper vigilant in keeping her coat brushed and cleaned with distilled water daily.  And we don't want her nails to catch on the furniture so she gets a manicure once a week.  We now have her on a special diet with 2 different kinds of wet food, digestive enzymes and only meat because fish has too many metals in it.  This kitty definitely has us wrapped around her little paw.  When she cuddles with us on the couch, purring and "making biscuits" on our chests, our hearts just melt.  In that moment, all the effort and energy devoted to our feline friend is worth it.   And let's be honest, if I'm on the path of inner healing and growth, having a pet is a great asset because she can bring up lots of good material for me to work with.  She's a mirror to me in so many ways as well.  My boyfriend always says that April and I are very similar.  She wants attention but only when she's ready for it.  She's demanding.  She's spoiled.  She likes to be talked about all the time.  She doesn't like to be touched the wrong way or she bites.  There may be some truth to those statements but I see similarities between us in other ways. I relate to her desire for independence and her need to have space and to be close.  I love that when I feel my emotions are getting the best of me and the world is caving in around me, she is the most consistent being around.  And she's always there to  remind me that things really aren't that bad.  All she has to do is crawl up on my lap and share her unadulterated loving essence.  And I love that every time I sit to meditate, she nests in my lap and does her own meditation. That's her nature: confident, calm, and authentic.  She's a Zen master indeed.  I could learn a thing or two from her!